This has been a very rough year.My emotions are unpredictable,one day I seem ok.The next day all I want to do is cry.Sometimes I miss her so,I can't explain the hurt I feel.It goes so deep.As if it were in my own soul.I have seen pages that others have written about their feelings about their loss.And in some way It helped to know I wasn't alone,with this empty feeling.So I'm going to write about the day I lost my Mom.
My Dad passed away on November 15,1997.My Mom came to live with me shortly after that.She had enphizema and was put on oxygen.She never liked being dependent on it though.So I had to keep after her to use it.Her Doctor said that her mind would not work right if she cessed using it,For lack of oxygen. Mom told me many times she was ready to go.when She was younger and in the hospital after having my last brother,She had a near death experience.She told me it was so peaceful.And that she didnt fear when it was her time. But I was in no hurry for her to go.So I kept after her to use the oxygen.But to no avail she slowly stopped using it.We argued quit often over it.Finally I had to put her in the hospital.Even they couldn,t make her use the oxygen.And her health kept getting worse.Mainly her mind was going.She would do very wierd things.And tell me to do very wierd things.Like one day while I was with her in the Hospital,She told me to hold my purse and watch out the window.I did so for a short time.But when I turned back toward her she got mad and told me to get with the program.It sounds funny now I know.But at the time it really scared me.This was not my Mom. Finally after about two weeks in the hospital and not letting the doctors do anything for her,They said she could no longer stay there,and that I should see about putting Her in a nursing home.so I did.My little sister and I were at the nursing home the day she went into it.That was the morning of July 24,1999.I had bought her two new robes to wear,and when I walked into her room she was asleep.I stood at the foot of her bed and just looked at her.In my heart I knew she wasn't going to be here much longer.But the thought of her leaving me that day just wasn't there.She opened her eyes and gave me the sweetest smile,I went to her side and picked her up in my arms and we hugged so tightly.I will always remember the words she said to me.If we could hold each other forever it wouldn't be long enough.Needless to say I cried. Then I took her tiny body and put on one of the new robes and she smiled again.Around two o'clock I had a appointment to see her lawyer.So I had to leave her.All seemed fine when I left.After the appointment I thought I'd run home and get supper for my better half.When I got Home,my youngest which is a nurse was there.She asked me how Mom was doing.And about that time the phone rang.It was the nursing home.Mom had a turn for the worse,and they weren't sure how long it would be.My daughter and myself took off for the nursing home.which was about a forty minute drive. I didn't make It. She had gone,and I wasn't there.I think that is what hurts so.I wasn't there. I have many very good memories of me and my Mom.I am the oldest of seven children.I was her first and we were very close.I know the hurt will never totally go away.I just hope it will get easier.
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